![]() It is, without a doubt, the Worst Picture. ![]() No crime so heinous, no sin so foul, no soul so tainted that warrants the horrible fate of viewing the The Last Airbender. There is no dialogue, save that which sounds as stilted as the mad gibbering of my great Uncle Wallace, whose father was a chimpanzee and whose mother fed him nothing but industrial grade turpentine. There is no tension but the tension of whether you’ll be able to make it to the end without committing a gruesome, sinful, ritualistic suicide. There is no plot other than that which is condensed into interminable, emotionless, soul-crushing narration. I want to return to a time of innocence, when I thought the world was filled with good and honest movies, that it was a place of joy and happiness untainted by the foul, festering, fetid touch of M. I hate the memories they’ve burned into my brain that, no matter the amount of therapy, I cannot remove. I hate him and his bendy friends and his stupid enemies and that weird-ass creature he rides. Worst Picture Nominees: Dinner for Schmucks, The Last Airbender, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse I keep hearing things like “she’ll grow up,” and “standards were different in the old west,” but seriously people? I mean, I agree completely, but that doesn’t make her any less annoying. Oh, and I’ve gotten some complaints about Hailee Steinfeld losing this category. Worst Nerd’s Fantasy: Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit) Please god, I know I haven’t been the perfect person, but if you can hear me, if you truly are as benevolent as they say, that is how I want to die. By the end of the hallway, she’s killed like 8 guys, no fewer than 3 with the leg around the neck method. By the end of the movie, I couldn’t agree more with Tony Stark’s initial reaction of “I want one.” We get to see her change in the back of a car then run down a hallway filled with nameless henchmen, electrocuting the first one and backflipping off a table onto the second, snapping his neck between her legs. As Black Widow in Iron Man 2, I’ll let her catch me in her web any day. Emma Watson continued to age, making her hotter than ever, and more legal, and Rapunzel, despite being animated, was the epitome of purity and innocence (and the only blonde, a lot of blonde).īut despite the caliber of the competition, Scarlett Johansson won out. Gemma Arterton trekked through the desert as Tamina, a beautiful Persian princess who wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty, killing a bad guy by stabbing him in the eyes with a live snake. Only problem was that she herself was a computer program, and that’s not really my thing. Olivia Wilde donned a skin-tight, light-up, spandex suit, drove a futuristic light-car and kicked ass on a bunch of evil programs. This year was an excellent showing of sexy. If there’s one dangling carrot that can get us away from our apartments-make us sit up from the chair, change out of our pajamas, and face the daylight-it’s a film version of those girls we think about day and night. Human women be damned! If only we could somehow make these fantasy babes real!Īnd by god, movies are the closest thing we’ve got. But unfortunately, no real woman can ever hope to win our hearts, for we have already fallen, fallen for the phase-shifting sublimity of Kitty Pryde, for the Amazonian intensity of Wonder Woman, and for the stripping strippiness of Stripperella. No, because happiness is more than belongings.Īs The Beatles taught us, money can’t buy you love, and love is all you need. To its right, a poster of Captain Kirk looks outward, ignoring the Atari 2600 which rests just below him, unused. It sits, dusty, right next to our extensive comic book collection. ![]() We understand that all too well as we sweep our gazes across our rooms, eyes alighting on our mint condition Millenium Falcon replica. We sit eternally at our computers, hiding from the day star and pitifully pecking at the keys that provide our sustenance, but you know what? We make bank.īut money doesn’t equal happiness. Movies exist to make money, and who has money? That’s right, nerds. Why do movies really, truly exist? To spin heart-warming tales of kings who grapple with their issues? To show people how tough cutting off your arm can be? I don’t think so. ![]() If there’s one category the Academy Awards blatantly lacks, it’s this. Nerd’s Fantasy Nominees: Scarlett Johansson (Iron Man 2), Olivia Wilde (Tron: Legacy), Gemma Arterton (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time), Emma Watson (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1), Rapunzel (Tangled) We put a lot of thought into this 3-post extravaganza, and you’d better enjoy it. All of those supposedly learned movie people obviously know nothing compared to us, so sit back, relax–actually, sit forward and pay attention. In the wake of this year’s Oscars, we here at The Nickel Screen felt compelled to give out some awards of our own.
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